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Huatulco

Love and ¿Marriage?

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By Jan Chaiken and Marcia Chaiken

Love and marriage are eternally linked – or so we are told through truisms and songs. “Every little girl dreams about her wedding” – really? “Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” -we sing it but does anyone in this modern age believe it? The romantic notion that love inevitably leads to marriage and ties marriage contracts to an extremely expensive and ostentatious celebration of love is a relatively modern conceit that has been practiced for decades rather than centuries and, based on our family experience, may be going out of fashion.

Somewhat over 60 years ago, when we informed our parents that we wanted to marry but wanted to skip the big wedding, we were told that we were too young to make that decision. We had the official marriage ceremony and contract signing in front of 250 people followed by all the romantic elements everyone expects – the first dance, the cutting of the cake, the toasts, the shower of rice. Thirty-three years ago our son and daughter-in-law had pretty much the same wedding with minor variations. But last May, our granddaughter called on a Friday to tell us that she and her boyfriend were going to marry on Monday and asked us to attend along with four other people. The ceremony was in a courthouse and performed by a judge–no rings, no personal vows–just official documents. Why the quick marriage? Because although they were already committed to a loving, supportive relationship, when he became her legal spouse he would automatically be enrolled in the health benefits she would be receiving as an OB-GYN resident. Their wedding reflected a return to the primary purpose of marriage for millennia: economic benefits.

Marriage as a socio-economic institution has existed for at least as long as writing. There are documents and laws referring to marriage that are more than 3,000 years old in Mesopotamia (current-day Iraq) and elsewhere in the Middle East. The Hebrew bible has reference to husbands and wives and also describes various events prior to marriages (although not to any details of ceremonies). In only one marriage in the bible is the concept of love between spouses mentioned – Isaac loved Rebecca. Not surprisingly, written mentions of divorce are also available from around the same time period, including in the Hebrew bible. But customs and practices surrounding marriage and divorce developed and were codified gradually over later centuries, with interruptions in early Christianity when divorce was forbidden entirely.

From about the 12th century in Europe – and the emergence of the concept of courtly love – until the middle of the 20th century, practices and ceremonies related to marriage and divorce were so stable that we can read novels and histories from that period and have little doubt about what was going to happen in the chapters following a particular couple’s announcement of intent to marry or a married couple’s becoming estranged.

But then came major changes around the world – in the last 80 years, fewer people became married at all, the average age at marriage increased, more unmarried couples lived together, same-gender marriage became a formal recognition of a behavior that occurred previously less conspicuously and without legal acknowledgement, and parenthood became uncoupled from marriage. The positions of religious organizations on these issues also shifted during this time period and are still in flux.

The extent of these changes has varied greatly among countries, especially where previously unapproved practices have been legalized at different times and to different degrees. For example, same-gender marriage was legalized nationally in Canada in 2005, but it was not possible in Mexico until just one state allowed it beginning in 2015; eventually, state after state approved until in 2022 Mexico achieved national legalization. The first U.S. state to permit same-gender civil unions was Vermont in 2000, followed four years later by Massachusetts’ legalizing same-gender marriage. U.S. national legalization of same-gender marriage occurred in 2015.

But even before same-gender marriages were legally sanctioned, some clergy willingly performed ceremonies with all the elements of marriages of opposite-gender couples. One of the most memorable family weddings we attended in the early 1990’s was one in which both brides wore identical gowns – one in white and one in black. The elements of the marriage ceremony and reception were virtually identical to ours in the early 1960s.

All three countries of North America experienced rapidly declining marriage rates in the last 80 years. In the US, the marriage rate peaked in 1942 with 16.3 marriages per 1,000 people and then plummeted to 5.7 in 2019. Canada peaked in 1972 at 9.2 per 1,000 people and dropped to 4.1 in 2019. Mexico held fairly steady around 5.0 for decades, dropping a bit to 4.0 in 2014. (All countries had sharply lower numbers of marriages in 2020 and 2021, during the COVID pandemic.)

Canada has a definition of common-law marriage for census purposes– this describes a couple living together without marriage for a period of time, or with a child of one or both of them. The number of common-law marriages in Canada has increased five-fold in the last 40 years and substantially explains the decline in real marriages as well as the later age at which people are married. In Canada, common-law marriages now account for about one-quarter of all households with two adults.

The average age at first marriage is now 29 in the U.S., 31 in Canada, and 32 for men, 29 for women in Mexico. Compared to 1950, these figures have risen from age 22 in the US, age 23 in Canada, and age 21 in Mexico, or an increase of about 7 years of age in the U.S. and Canada, 10 years of age in Mexico.

Ending a Marriage

While a severe drop in the number of marriages initiated during the COVID pandemic is easily understood, there was a similar dramatic drop in divorces during those years due to a combination of people’s unwillingness to change their living arrangements and the difficulty of processing paperwork for accomplishing a divorce when attorneys and courts were not readily accessible.

Outside those years, the annual number of divorces has been dropping throughout North America. This is explained mostly by the fact that couples living together without marriage (or, in Canada, in common-law marriages) do not require a divorce to dissolve their relationship. Examining divorce, then, as a percentage of marriages, in the U.S. about 40% of marriages end in divorce. This is higher than in Canada or Mexico, but lower than it was in the 1970s in the US. In Canada, about 33% of marriages dissolve. Experts attribute this lower rate to Canada’s strong social safety-net and family-friendly policies. Mexico traditionally has had the lowest divorce rate in North America – about 15% of marriages end in divorce. This is attributed to Mexico’s patterns of family unity and multi-generational households, influence of the Catholic church, and the sheer difficulty of processing a divorce through Mexico’s legal system. But no one has suggested that the lower divorce rates are due to stronger bonds of love.

Today, although love may lead to long-term cohabitation, few would suggest that love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. In fact the trends seems to suggest that marriage may become as obsolete as a horse and carriage. And, as women are becoming increasingly economically independent, marriage as a socio-economic institution may be replaced by other means of sharing companionship, daily housekeeping duties and child-raising responsibilities.

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Love in the Time of Covid: Remembrance of Times Past

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By Marcia Chaiken and Jan Chaiken

We have been sheltering in place since March 15, 2020. Just the two of us. Fortunately, fifty-seven years of marriage have allowed us to stockpile decades of memories of times when we sought opportunities to flee our busy lives in the U.S. and find solitary romance – often in Mexico.

Our earliest romantic moments in Mexico took place in the 1970s in archeological sites in eastern Mexico. Chichen Itza, Uxmal, and Palenque were relatively inaccessible at that time and were visited by very few tourists traveling independently. There were only one or two places to stay in each area, and we tried to choose one adjacent to the ruins, a new or newly renovated hotel that was large, luxurious and, for the most part, empty. We usually breakfasted by ourselves at dining room tables covered with pristine white tablecloths.

We spent the early, coolest part of the day wandering over the ruins of temples, climbing reconstructed pyramids, and reading to each other from papers published by archeologists with detailed descriptions of the digs. We filled in the gaps in knowledge by amusing each other with made-up stories of our interpretations of the glyphs – the ancient Mayan pictographs adorning the buildings and stelae, which at that time were still undeciphered.

When the sun became piercing and the busloads of tourists arrived, we cooled off in the hotel swimming pool or, at Palenque, in a memorable artificial stream that fed the pool. Then we ate lunch and retired to our freshly cleaned room. In the cool of the evening, when the grounds were nearly deserted and moonlit, we wandered hand in hand listening to the unidentifiable sounds in the surrounding jungle and watching the shadows play over the remains of the Mayan civilization, while imagining other couples from that civilization also strolling in the moonlight.

A decade later, in the 1980s, after having exhausted exploring many of the Mayan architectural sites, we romanced in Mexico in mainly uninhabited areas with fish-filled lagoons prime for snorkeling. Isla Mujeres was a memorable boat trip from Cancun; our hotel was noteworthy for a spectacular view, lack of hot water, and proximity to a good place to snorkel, but not much else.

Akumal became our favorite place to stay; all we really needed was a studio apartment with a kitchenette, a view of the water, and the sound of the waves pounding on the beach. After packing a lunch, we spent the days swimming side-by-side in waters that were natural aquariums, pointing out spectacular specimens of fish and other forms of marine life. The Xel Ha lagoon, not yet developed for tourists and accessible only by a narrow path through the jungle, became our private pool.

Xcaret was a bit more luxurious, having a changing room, a bathroom facility and chairs for lounging – but at that time not much more. The area was generally less private, but we could always find a place away from other people where we could commune with the fish, large iguanas, and each other. And the ocean in front of our Akumal digs abounded with interesting aquatic phenomena – sponges building their habitat, octopi lurking under rocks and snatching unsuspecting passing fish, and schools of fish, forming and reforming. Deserted cenotes around the area provided a place where we would float on our backs side-by-side and watch the birds and clouds overhead.

The following decade for the most part had rare times for romance. We were both working over 70 hours a week, flying all over the U.S. and almost never to the same destination. We became notorious for planning our flights so we could spend an hour or two together in an airline club in Chicago or elsewhere. We were fortunate enough to have a month’s vacation every year. Then we travelled as far from the U.S. as possible and chose places where it was really difficult for our employers and employees to reach us – mountains in New Zealand; islands on the Great Barrier Reef; rural villages in Italy, Spain and France; rivers in China; archeological sites in Malaysia. Mexico was too close and too accessible to prevent someone from contacting us about a statistical error or an ungrammatical sentence in a report to be published. So, although our stockpile of romantic times continued to grow, Mexico was not part of the pile.

That changed on Inauguration Day in 2001. Jan, who held a presidential appointment in the Clinton administration, was suddenly freed from his pager, cell phone, and government responsibilities. Marcia had developed internet communication between members of her research teams and could work from anywhere as long as she had her computer.

We immediately packed the computer, clothes and other essential items in our car and headed south and into Mexico. We spent the better part of that year driving around the country, staying in memorably romantic beach casitas or apartments with incredible city vistas. We wandered together through art museums discovering new artists. We enjoyed wonderful concerts. And we had numerous adventures, sometimes totally lost, sometimes totally terrified, but always together. And then we discovered Huatulco!

Although we settled down at the end of 2001 in Ashland, Oregon, one of the best tourist destinations in the U.S., we returned again and again to Huatulco, finally buying a condo and spending about six months a year here. For many years we drove our car, loaded with books and supplies, from Oregon to our condo, over varying routes and stopping to see friends or interesting locations on the way. Romantic times abounded – many over meals in fabulous restaurants in Oaxaca, San Cristóbal, Mexico City, and of course Huatulco. When Cafe Juanita was located in Santa Cruz, we had a standing reservation for New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day at our “own” table overlooking the plaza. After the move to the Chahue Marina, Juanita’s continued to be our place for romantic dinners – even planning our 50th wedding celebration there while having a Valentine’s dinner. We also have had a very favorite place in Huatulco for romantic breakfasts – but since we enjoy frequently being the only people there, you’re not going to find out where it is.

Finally, for the past 10 years, we’ve found many romantic moments, exploring together and writing articles for The Eye about our adventures. You can read about many of these in the Eye archives. So, thanks to you, readers, to our fellow Eye writers, and most of all to our Eye editor Jane for the many opportunities you have provided for building memories of romance in times past and hopes for more romance in Mexico, post-pandemic.

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Marriage in the Time of COVID – A Statistical Review

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By Randy Jackson

If we are lucky, we only have to endure various COVID-19 effects on society for one to two years. Any effect that the pandemic might have on the incidence of marriage likely won’t even register as a bump on the long, long road in the history of marriage; however, whatever COVID effects there might be, could also exacerbate some negative trends in the institution of marriage in 2020-21. Sampling from a flood of research, articles, and speculation on the institution of marriage, I pulled together four interesting statistics to see what might happen to pandemic marriages.

The first record of a marriage ceremony is from Mesopotamia in 2350 BC. Anthropologists suggest that marriages between one man and one woman started around the time when humans first formed agricultural societies, about eleven or twelve thousand years ago. With the advent of personal property, men needed to know which children were their biological heirs. Back then, and for a long, long time thereafter, the title of Tina Turner’s 1984 hit song “What’s love got to do with it?” pretty much summed things up. Marriages were arrangements made between family groups for economic and political reasons. They bound one man to one woman (not equally) for the production of children, the division of labour, and the inheritance of property.

How Do We Meet and Marry?

Even today half of all marriages in the world are arranged. India comes to mind in this regard, as 90% of that country’s marriages are arranged. Young people in India, even in the wealthiest and most educated levels of society, still largely prefer to enter into a marriage where a spouse is chosen for them (in modern educated families each marriage candidate holds a veto). There are a number of studies that show arranged marriages are no less successful than those called “love marriages.” Just before COVID struck, 35% of couples met online, the most frequent method for meeting a partner. COVID could only increase this trend.

When Do We Marry?

Another trend going into the pandemic is that people are getting married later. In Greek and Roman times up to the middle ages, marriage was common for girls starting at age 12, for boys it was age 14. By the 15th century records show the common marriage age was closer to 17. By colonial times in Europe and North America, women were commonly getting married by 20 and men by 26. By 2017, the age of marriage in Canada, Mexico and the USA was 27 for women and 30 for men. Marriage age in Europe is generally higher – Sweden had the highest marriage age among countries in the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, well into the mid-30’s. Turkey had the lowest marriage age in the OECD, with women marrying before the age of 25 and men before 28.

How Often Do We Call It Quits?

News stories abound on the extra stress on marriages because of COVID lockdowns and restrictions. One of many such articles is a BBC story from December 2020, “Why the pandemic is causing spikes in break-ups and divorces.” Although the story uses anecdotal or “soft” data, not statistics (it’s too early for that), one source was a major British law firm. The firm reported an increase in divorce inquiries of 122% over the previous year. There have been increases in divorce inquiries in the U.S., China, and Sweden – and no doubt other countries as well. There’s a busy year ahead for divorce lawyers.

One thing that is not news going into the pandemic is that divorce rates around the world have been climbing for decades. The highest divorce rates in the world are in Europe, often greater than 60%, followed by Canada and the USA, nearing 50%. Latin and South America are lower, as is much of Asia. Vietnam has the lowest in the OECD (7%).

This chart shows the percentage of divorces among couples who have been married only once. Divorce rates per capita – perhaps a better statistical measure – are increasing around the world and have been for years leading up to these COVID times. (The divorce rate in the U.S. has actually been decreasing, from a high of 50% in the 1980s, but it varies by age group – “gray” divorce rates are going up.) Divorce rates for 2021 and beyond should be interesting, with couples bursting out of lockdown and heading to their divorce lawyers on the one hand, but fewer marriages in 2020 to hit the rocks further downstream.

How Many of Us Do NOT Marry?

One final statistic that pulls together all the trends mentioned above is the percentage of single-person households.

Following the same country pattern as divorce rates, European countries (especially Nordic countries) have the highest number of single person households, followed by Canada and the USA, then Latin America and Asia. Pakistan has the lowest number of single person households in the OECD.

This statistic is where all aspects of the decline in traditional marriage come to rest. Fewer people are choosing to marry, those marrying are doing so later in life, and more couples are separating and divorcing. All this leads to a higher number of single person households. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If there is a crisis here, it’s that we need more houses. That first recorded marriage back in 2350 BC, between two kids who would be in grade 7 in our times – just doesn’t work. Things have changed, and marriage too will change and adapt.

Increasing equality between the sexes, personal and economic freedoms, birth control, and just plain knowledge of the world all mean that marriage has some catching up to do. In times of COVID and beyond, women and men will find some form of relationship that works for them and for them to have and raise children. Love – Para Siempre. Feliz Día del Amor y la Amistad.